Someone wrote to me and asked, “I get hard while imagining being big, but this is always short-lived. In my day-to-day, I never have desired to be fatter; I am satisfied with my body as it is now. I am coming to grips in therapy with the fact that I was abused many times by a fat man as a child and have sexually bonded with the image of being bigger. I am afraid that this kink, which I feel is not my authentic self but a trauma, will never go away. I am not aroused by fat men in sexual encounters, only in fantasy. Thoughts?”
There are treesthat grow along the California coast near where I’m from. One of them looks like this:
The trees there grow on the sides of cliffs where they’re beaten by winds and rain. The trees adapt, surviving any way they can, clinging tenaciously to the rock and what little dirt there is. You might say that the tree has been deformed by its harsh environment, or that it has been victimized by nature, which is uncaring and pitiless. Even so, these trees know how to survive there. They grow as they need to grow to thrive. They’ve been doing it for generations, for centuries.
But to me, what’s even more remarkable is how beautiful these trees are. In fact, they are visited and photographed for their unique and captivating beauty. They are among the most beautiful of nature’s creatures regardless of how or why they grew that way. They are marveled at for their magnificence and elegance just as they are. Not because of anything or in spite of anything. But simply as they are. Beautiful.
I am not suggesting that what happened to you was beautiful. I am suggesting that how you survived it is a part of you, and that every part of you is beautiful. There are no parts of you that are not you. You have no parts that are foreign or trash or wrong.
As with any sexual desire, yours will be with you for the rest of your life. This is no cause for despair, however. As I say repeatedly, gaining is not about getting fat. Gaining is merely the sexual desire to get fat. What you choose to do about it is completely separate. But you can choose nothing until you accept and embrace this part of yourself. Where there is fear, anger, or lust there is no choice. It’s like a moth drawn to a flame, but then retreating in pain and terror from being burned. I’ve seen gainers put themselves through this cycle of lust and fear for years, for decades. There’s no peace.
My work and private coaching is about helping people find clarity and freedom in order to choose a life for themselves that works.
People come to me to help them deal with their monsters. If you try to cage the monster, he willgrow stronger until he breaks out of the cage and wrecks your life. If you hide from him, he will hunt you down until nowhere is safe and then devour you. The only way to defeat him is to make friends with him. For, in fact, he is you. And he is a powerful ally once you know and understand him.